As I have done online school lately, away from middle school chaos, I have really reflected lately the kind of person that I want to be. Here are some of my hmms and haws.
In President Uchtdorf's talk recently for the Young Women's Broadcast, he mentions something to the effect that as an individual in the pre-existance, I had a idea of who I wanted to become when I came to this earth. I think of myself, as I am now, maybe older, looking down from clouds ( why clouds? I don't know...) and contemplating the person I wanted to be. I would imagine that I wanted to be kind, strong and responsible, but also happy and confident.
When we moved last year, It was a very tough go for a while. Actually, it was tough for about a year. I went to my first year of middle school, and while in a school setting, I was extremely reserved and shy, which is kind of funny for me. I was really afraid of a lot of things, to the point that it was ridiculous. I was also very worried about keeping my church standards. Even though 90% of my middle school shared my faith, there were still things that bothered me. No one's perfect, ESPECIALLY in middle school. I didn't really make any close friends. I held myself aloof, you could say, from most kids. I think that the reason I did this was because I would immediately judge other people based on behavior I viewed as "not acceptable". Then, they were not to be closely associated with, or in other words, I feared them, and looked down on them.
I have theories or fascinations with the subjects concerning "confidence", "charisma" and things like that. I want to be confident, and in thinking about being with my own peers in society, I have thought about some of the "unspoken rules" that paralyze people with real fear. Why am I afraid to approach a large group of chattering kids my own age. I've watched from a distance, but why not approach? Why do I teeter on the edge? When approached while they're by themselves or un-included, why do kids duck their heads and solemnly but politely decline offers to join the group? Why don't we just smile and say "sure, thanks!" Is it weak? is it cheesy? Here's another one. Who ever whispered in our ears the scenarios we go over with terror in our minds? Why is something fun until someone slouches and gives the sleepy disgusted look? Why is it below your age then?
I think it all comes down to judging and a clear head. My mom has told me that "no one is watching" then she smiled "It's very freeing!" Everyone else is too worried about being judge to notice you much. Then why do I judge? To keep my own head above water, I guess. "I'm certainly not cool, but I'm not as bad as THAT." Gracious!!!!!! this is so horrible!
So what to do now? I haven't been with people my own age in a year pretty much. I think I'm starting to come out of my shell. Things are starting to become "real". I'm going to try my darndest not to judge people. May I just mention that My hero and model for this endeavor is my aunt Kjirsti. Thanks Kjirsti for showing that people will love you if they feel loved. She has friends everywhere it seems, and I believe it is because she doesn't judge others but keeps an open heart and mind. I'm going to be the person I wanted to be when I was up in the clouds somewhere. I imagine I'm some of those things already. Smart, Caring, Thoughtful, but what about the other stuff? I'll have to explain this next word, but bear with me. Breezy. Breezy means open, and free. Breaking those stupid, stupid ropes! Breezy means a honest smile, and a quick to arrive smile. It means open mind, and not tripping over those mucky holes of doubt and fear, where I don't add up, and where I face guilt over and over.
I think when I go back to school with kids my age it will be very difficult. But I was born for this, I really was. My dad has told me that my gift is loving people, and I believe him. When I can be "light"( that's how I honestly think about it, like I'm gliding along in a breezy flowy dress with a smile.) Then I can be who I wanted to be, and who my Savior sees in me everyday. I'll bet that who I want to be was how I was in heaven, and the way I was when I knew him and saw him, so he already knows what's missing from me, because he's seen the real me.
4 comments:
Very good thoughts. That is the first step!
I have found that when I notice something missing from who I think I was before I came to Earth is just about the time Heavenly Father sends me a little adventure to help get me there. He never sends it before I notice. I think it's because I'm not ready until then.
You can do hard things!
Breck these thoughts were wonderful. I think that this life is all about BECOMING who we really are. That all comes little by little, and as you have discovered through challenges we usually are shown our weaknesses so that we can discover new strengths. I love that you are pondering it yourself but also seeking council from the spirit and from sources you trust (the prophets, your parents, your aunt) these are the people who can help you to catch the vision of who you are and who the Lord knows you will become. Wise people seek wise council, especially from the spirit. You are amazing!
Oh Brecki, how I love and admire you! Your post made me think of something I recently read by the Dalai Lama. He spoke of how he prefers to view others as fellow human beings. That's all. He said too often we try to define people and in so doing view people as "other." For example you see a girl and if you immediately define her as "a volleyball player who is clearly into her looks, popular, and extroverted" You might feel you have nothing in common and thus nothing to create a friendship on. BUT, if you just saw her as a human being, then suddenly the potential for similarity and connection is endless. I'm trying to implement this way of seeing others myself.
I take great comfort in realizing that, for God, time is non-existent, he doesn't feel the rush and pressure to "become" immediately, like we do. Hence why he doesn't force us. He knows eventually we will come around. If only we could be as patient with ourselves as He is with us.
I love you Breck, Tom and I are still hoping our kids turn out just like you!
Breck,
You are one of a kind! I have so enjoyed watching you this past 6 months or so as you've decided to find the "real" you. I marvel at your insight, your determination, your courage, and your willingness to sacrifice something for what you want even more. I believe that you are beginning to see the world and yourself with such clarity and that your natural inclination towards seeing the beauty and the good is beginning to emerge and become more dominant. I love you and think you are an exceptional young woman with a very special spirit and with a satchel chuck full of gifts. I'm so excited to watch you become the young woman you want to be!
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